


Counterclockwise

by Sealaisx



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Kissing, Philosophy, Spoilers, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 10:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19810624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sealaisx/pseuds/Sealaisx
Summary: "Your lips say 'no', but your aura says 'please'"Set during the events of chapter 5/6 from the Visual Novel: Okabe Rintaro collects his thoughts after some rough events, and many of said thoughts involve a certain assistant of his.Can he really consider that beautiful mess called love and confess his feelings to Makise Kurisu?





	Counterclockwise

**Author's Note:**

> **THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING**
> 
> SPOILERS AHEAD   
> IF YOU HAVEN'T REACHED CHAPTER 6 OF THE VISUAL NOVEL (or episode 16 of the anime) THEN REFRAIN FROM READING
> 
> There is no such thing as a PhoneWave in real life: you can't erase spoilers you've done to yourself. So be careful.

_ Your lips say “don’t”, but your aura says “please”. _

The buzzing in his ears finally subsided. He took a moment to deeply inhale the humid and stale air inside the laboratory, then waited, grasping the fabric of the worn sofa, until his vision became clear.

What was it, the hundredth time? Even so, it felt all the same to time leap, a painful feeling in his brain and heart, both pierced by needles for more than a few moments.

Finally, he was able to see the world clearly again. 

"Mayu-": he was about to scream, having now seen his childhood friend dead once again just a few moments ago. The feeling of someone else's blood running on his hands was unforgettable: sticky, warm and slippery, like fresh living paint falling down a wall. And then, there was the gunpowder smell: caught up in the many other ways Mayuri had died, that awful odor had almost vanished from his brain: yet there it was, after she had been killed once again by SERN's private army. Or something like that. Whatever. 

Okabe, living in a quite crowded district, had got used to people smoking right beside him: that burnt smell felt almost like incinerated tobacco from a cigarette, only with a sourer hint. From that moment onward, he was certain, he wouldn't be able to tolerate cigarettes anymore.

Yet, none of that was the reason why he had caught himself mid-scream.

Mere centimeters away from him, asleep on the sofa, hugging an Upa cushion, was Makise Kurisu.

He checked the time on his wrist: apparently, he had leaped about an hour before he intended. That was no big deal, of course, just a subtly reminder that he had to pay closer attention when messing with the Time Leap Machine. 

After so many leaps, he was beginning to feel detached: he had no idea about how many hours he lived since his first leap, nor whether they were real hours or just subjective time. He couldn't clearly remember dates or events prior to the 48-hours window of his leap anymore, even if they had only happened a couple of days before. He couldn't focus or concentrate, thus leading to Daru, Kurisu and Mayuri worrying over him, that he might be sick or lost in thoughts, all alone. While the latter was certainly closer to the truth than the former, that wasn't true per se. Why would Okabe Rintaro be lost in his thoughts when he had all the time in the world to think, anyway?

That wasn't it: the mad scientist had heard somewhere that, to save something, you have to sacrifice something else in return.

Was he was - and was ready to - giving up was his will to live. He had seen Mayuri dead so many times, now also with a 0,4 divergence, that he was wondering whether going on with this madness called life was pointless or not.

Among all of his despair, while getting ready to act exactly like he did in the previous worldlines, he couldn't help but stare at his sleeping assistant. 

Not a perverted stare like Daru would have - be damned if Okabe ever found that super hacka anywhere close to Kurisu. He looked at the genius girl calmly, admiring how some of her hair were resting on her left cheek, or noticing that her expression was way softer and warmer when she was asleep. 

Even a so slight change in a timeline - Kurisu hadn’t been asleep in his previous leaps - was reassuring: at least, it wasn’t the unpleasurable feeling of looping aimlessly and desperately, but it rather felt refreshing, like he could behave normally without faking, even for an instant, that it was the first time living that day, repeating words, sentences, even thoughts that had belonged to him. Now, they didn’t anymore, and, after so many leaps, the suffering on his shoulders was beginning to feel unbearable.

He soon realized that, almost unknowingly, he had caught himself from screaming simply because he didn’t have the heart to wake Kurisu, not when she was so vulnerable and sincere, very different from how tsundere-like she used to behave daily. 

Okabe smiled and sighed: that useless assistant of him had fallen asleep with her lab coat still on. He feared, for just a moment, that she might wake up from him staring and probably crack his skull wide open or calling him a perv; she didn’t, though, and Okabe couldn’t help but wondering how even her breathing was or how calm and innocent she looked when he, a few moments before, had gazed at her in a room full of white smoke that he had used to distract their attackers before leaping in time to return to a few days prior that event and find some way - any way - to change its outcome. He heard the birds chirping and shook his head, surprised by how life would just go on, careless about what happened in the world: the sun would rise and set, the wind would keep blowing and time would go on, and the six billion people inhabiting that planet wouldn’t be able to do anything to control it. 

Not even he could.

Kurisu turned, not tossing enough to wake herself up, just a short movement that allowed her to lay on her side, letting out a small groan and then stilling, resuming her sleep. Okabe shifted on the sofa to avoid Kurisu bumping into him in the process, but thankfully she didn't. 

Kurisu Makise. His assistant. Christina. Celeb Seventeen. Zombie.

Okabe had lost count of how many chuunibyou names he had given to the stunning girl before him. But still, when she was awake and helping him, she was always the same: helping him, supporting him when he was sure nobody else would have, working by his side to build the first time machine in the human history. Goodness, in most timelines she didn't doubt for even a second that he was not lying about his leaps through time. 

Okabe took a few more minutes to collect his thoughts: he could afford it since he had leaped an hour prior than intended.

_ "Is there...anyone you like, Okabe?" _

_ "Not really. Why are you asking?" _

_ "I-I was just curious! Not that there was an hidden meaning or anything like that!" _

Kurisu's voice echoed in his mind, a calm, collected tone from the rare occasions when she was flustered, slightly embarrassed or couldn't for any reason hide her feelings. Those were uncommon and brief, but Okabe, after bearing so much pain from each of his friends, found relief in them and longed for more: to be able to talk to Kurisu again, to hear her telling him that everything would be fine and subtly offering her help - too proud to explicitly ask him. She was his only hope, his only salvation from  _ real  _ insanity - not the mad scientist one - and someone who could always dazzle him, either with that genius mind of hers or by opening herself up to Okabe, often by mistake, and revealing sides of her personality that weren't necessarily sour or sharp as she would usually pretend to be.

_ I want to be your strength. _

So she said, and oh how desperately he was now looking at her, fearing that the universe itself might decide to take her, kill her, erase the existence of the only woman Okabe had ever loved making her disappear right then and there and leaving him madly driven to find yet another way to bring both she and Mayuri back. 

It took all the willpower he had not to inch closer to Kurisu and move back those few locks of her hair that had fallen on her face. No, he thought, it will be awkward if she wakes up while I'm doing this.

Surroundings, time, even his questioning of his own sanity were irrelevant: Makise Kurisu would always be by his side, being his only strength that pushed him forward into and endless - but, thanks to her, not so hopeless - cycle. And he would do the same: once all of that was over, he'd take his beloved assistant all around the world if that was necessary to find her father and finally see her happy, to admire once again that sincere smile that she so rarely showed, preferring a teasing grin to better hide her intentions. Circumstances didn't matter, he would do anything for her. 

There, in a worldline bound to be almost identical to the other ones in the Alpha Worldline, Okabe had the sweetest epiphany to ever exist. 

* * *

"Okabe! This way!"

It was happening again.

Again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

Moeka's private army had attacked the lab and was now threatening to kill all of the lab members if they didn't agree to follow her to be caught by SERN. When the poor, sweet Mayuri had tried to object, Shining Finger didn't hesitate and shot her, killing her once again and prompting Okabe to leap in time and try again to save her. All this madness...and yet no results.

But he wouldn't stop, no matter what. His goal was to successfully leap in a timeline where all of his comrades were safe from SERN and lived happily. 

He ran towards the development room on legs that hardly obliged to his will, after finding in himself the strength to watch Mayuri die again and accepting that he couldn't do anything but leap and try again. 

There she was: Kurisu Makise, fumbling with the headgear and typing the settings on the X86000 as fast as she could to ready everything before the attackers found them.

Just when she had finished arranging the PhoneWave, the two of them heard one of the man screen "There, behind that curtain!". The scientists knew that time had run out.

"Watch out!", Kurisu's warning came right after the scream, but Okabe was well prepared: she pulled "Future Gadget #1" from a nearby shelf and shot: thick, white smoke began to fill the room, and they could hear the soldiers cursing from the living room, for they could barely see a thing. 

Neither could him, actually. But Kurisu pulled him by the shoulder and handed him the headgear.

Leap. Once again, correct your own mistakes until you find redemption. Keep living those same days until you understand the strict moral behind trying to play God. Continue talking to the same oblivious people until you'll lose track of the meaning of all of this. And then, unless you find a reason to live, you'll powerlessly surrender.

_ "Love is such a difficult thing. There are no formula or calculations to determine it". _

Kurisu was right: love was such a mess, in times like these. Both Faris and Lukako had tried to earn his affection, but were both unsuccessful: after all, everything he had been focused on was saving Mayuri, he had done everything just for her. This time, he decided that chasing Moeka directly was the best choice: and so be it.

_ "You made this choice to save Mayuri. So I'll change my way of thinking too". _

Could Kurisu have been...repressing her feelings for him? Now that he looked at that worldline as an observer, it was more and more likely that. To be his strength, to fight alongside him and even giving up her emotions for his sake: maybe, the one suffering the most to that point hadn't been him, but rather his loyal Christina. 

And he wouldn't abandon her. 

He leaped - but not in time. He threw himself in the direction Kurisu was and pulled her in his arms.

"Wha-"

His assistant didn't have a chance to reply, because Okabe pressed his lips against hers, kissing her softly and trying to burn that moment into his mind.

He feared she was going to punch him or yell at him for being such a pervert even in times like this. 

Instead, he felt Kurisu kissing back.

How long did it last? Considering the surroundings they were in, it couldn't have lasted more than a few moments, still not enough for any of them. 

They suddenly heard a scream coming from the adjacent room: Daru was probably trying to fight back, but he wouldn't last much longer. That urged Okabe to leap, and he pulled back from the kiss to scan the room, worried. He caught a glimpse of his assistant's red cheeks and flushed face, and he swore he had seen her smiling. She, however, composed herself as well and poked Okabe with the headgear to bring him back to reality. 

"Okabe…"

No words were needed. He called the PhoneWave, starting the discharge phenomenon, and put the headgear on, never once breaking eye contact with Kurisu. 

_ I'll be back, I promise. _

_ It doesn't matter how many times it'll take for me to turn the damn hands counterclockwise and repeat everything from the very beginning.  _

_ I will save you all. _

**Author's Note:**

> I have no beta reader, so excuse my mistakes djdjdbns   
> Drop a heart and comment if you liked this work of mine, and thank you for reading it! (^_^)


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